There’s been a lot of change and transition happening in our home over the last year and a half. It’s been a ride. And thankfully, its been like a slow ride you take in-between the rollercoasters so your body can rest and find its equilibrium before the next rollercoaster.
After a decade or so of raising kids and supporting my spouse, I’m trying to figure out how to career—at 40—and I’m trying a bunch of things. I wish I could say I had it figured out before marriage and kids so all I have to do is jump back onto the conveyor belt, but I didn’t. And truthfully? There are times I lament that fact I didn’t, especially as I consider the large amount of energy it is taking to figure it out now. Thankfully, I have others things going for me at this age, like the privilege of knowing myself better and having a great support system.
The feeling that has surprised me the most throughout this transition process is grief. Grief is what you feel when you lose something…no matter the size. Since I haven’t lost a loved one in over ten years (knock on wood), I thought I had eluded feeling grief and was enjoying full reprieve from feeling it.
Except, that isn’t true at all. It isn’t even a thing.
A decade ago, I started going to therapy for anxiety in hopes to cure it. I hoped that if I showed up and did the work, then I wouldn’t have to feel the awful, anxious mix of doubt, insecurity, and not feeling safe or in control ever again. A few years in, however, my therapist said to me, “Emily, you can’t get rid of anxiety! That’s not the goal because it’s not possible. You are a human and have human emotions.”
Once I recovered from that punch in the gut, I learned how to accept anxiety and view its presence as just a signal, not as an emergency or a place to operate and make decisions from. I now have the tools to catch, manage, and process it in a healthy way. I’m happy to report I still feel anxiety (I’m not a robot! Woohoo!), and it’s not as scary or unwelcome as it once was. In fact, I enjoy a little bit of it every now and then, especially when mixed with excitement and curiosity.
Back to grief.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: Because we are humans who are constantly changing and have little to no control over most things…we experience these little, every day “griefs.” We don’t pay much attention to these griefs because we don’t value them or see them as significant if they aren’t massively impactful, like say, the loss of a loved one.
So, if loss of a loved one is grief times a million, then what is grief times…two? Or ten? Or one hundred?
It’s still grief if you feel it:
When you notice that your kids don’t need you to help them wash their hair anymore, or when they don’t want to hold your hand
When you start noticing fine lines, wrinkles, gray hairs
When you have to let go of an idea, future, or vision of how your life was going to be (often through breakups, divorce, being fired, circumstances, etc .)
When you lose income and you have to change your lifestyle (like cancelling and/or stopping doing things that you enjoyed that you can no longer afford)
When you have to let go of an idea or expectations in a relationship (friendships, family members, significant others, boss, etc)
When something comes out of the oven burnt or ruined
Moving or relocating
When you throw away the shoes or clothes your kid loves because they are torn and too tight, and you grieve over the memories and all the playing your kid did in them, and all they won’t ever do in them again (clearly I’m having a moment, here!)
Switching jobs or careers
Losing your sense of self: stability, self-esteem, confidence, etc.
Losing an item or possession: having it be lost, broken, worn out, stolen, etc.
Ending a good book, movie, or TV series
Having your time wasted or not being able to get done what you wanted to get done in a day/week/month/year/etc.
Weight loss/gain, not fitting your clothes anymore
Change in your routine or habits
Medical conditions that impact your daily life or choices
Your kids moving out, getting married, having their own kids
Getting your hair cut
Selling your possessions
Spring cleaning
Looking through old photos
Getting a ticket or being fined (or paying bills that you weren’t expecting)
Taxes
Freedoms and rights being taken away from you (or not given)
Walking away from a conversation or opportunity
Saying no
Choosing yourself over others
Small griefs are something we don’t often give their due. Perhaps we don’t talk about them much, perhaps because it feels too insensitive to talk about getting a hair cut or throwing out kids shoes since it doesn’t have the same heaviness as someone else’s grief over losing a loved one.
However, since both extreme degrees of grief are important, perhaps there's actually space for all types of grief.
Here’s my hypothesis: if we put a higher priority on sitting with, feeling, and honoring our smaller, everyday griefs (i.e. establishing a practice such as meditation, journaling, therapy, talking to a friend, etc.), perhaps we’d have better tools, experience, and confidence to help us navigate the massive grief bombs when they drop.
Perhaps working with the smaller stuff will allow us to have a deeper knowing that we’ll be okay with the big stuff. We’ll give ourselves the same space to feel and honor our painful feelings. Maybe we’ll be better able to move through the grief in a way that still allows us to enjoy life while remembering what we’ve lost.
For now, I’m curious and hopeful that I will soon view feeling grief the same way as I now view feeling anxiety. I’m learning to accept that my kids are growing (trust me, it’s hard at times), I’m giving myself compassion and patience with my career goals, and I’ll journal (and share here on the ‘stack!) about the journey so I won’t forget all that I’ve had the privilege of having and losing.
What helps you navigate big and small griefs? Share in the comments (so we can all try it, too!)